Tired of bumpy ambulance rides? Interminable wait times in Emergency? Trips to local Walk-In Clinics only to find that they’re open, but no longer accepting patients?

Well, there’s a free service available here in Ontario that precious few people seem to know about. It’s called Telehealth Ontario, and they do a wonderful job, but a lousy job of promoting themselves. So it’s up to me to spread the word, it seems.

The concept is simple. Hire a bunch of registered nurses and give them telephones. When people wake up only to find themselves covered in inexplicable purple spots, they have but to phone one of these wonderful nurses to render the spots explicable. Did I mention that it’s free?

I have availed myself of Telehealth Ontario on several occasions. I’ve called when my wife has been sick, when my daughters have been sick, and when I once accidentally stubbed my toe on a door and my toenail fell off. On each instance the nurse who answered the phone was unfailingly polite and thorough. I was asked to answer many questions, during which the nurse assessed the level of emergency. Afterward she issued her advice, and I’m happy to report that all of us got better, and I grew a brand new toenail, which promptly fell off as well (I am currently on my third). It may well be that all of us would have gotten better without the assistance of the nurses, but the reassurance provided was incalculable.

The number to call is 1-866-797-0000.

The next time you’re sick, call it.

You’ll feel better afterward.