Assorted Nonsense

Here is a letter my daughter E wrote for one of her school projects, called the Nobody project, which is about teaching kids responsibility.  E decided to be responsible for teaching people to, well… I’ll let her explain:

(Here’s E):   Oh silly Daddy! You have it all wrong! My name is not E it is something else! My dad always writes the silliest things on his blog!

This is my Nobody Project for school

Walking Dogs, and What Dogs Need

By E Mahoney

I love animals a lot and I want them to get enough exercise. Dogs hate being stuck in a fenced in area. You can let your dog run around in an open space. Dogs love having free time. Make sure you’re watching your dog when he or she goes out to have some free time! Every living thing on earth needs to exercise. Give your dog as much exercise as he or she wants.

It’s not really that bad to walk a dog. You’re actually helping an animal that way. Dogs need one to two hours of exercise. Make sure you give your dogs water. Give your dog exercise but don’t overdo it. Don’t take your dogs out on very hot days. Also, make sure your dog can get at his or her food and water daily.

Make sure you don’t forget to walk your dog on rainy days! Dogs love to walk in the rain. Some pet stores sell rain jackets for dogs. Don’t force your dog to wear it, though. Some dogs don’t like to wear clothes. I used to have a dog that didn’t like to wear clothes. Dogs don’t need to wear clothes. You just have to dry your dog with a towel after you walk him or her in the rain.

Please, look after your pet.

Even if it isn’t a dog.

THE END

…humour…

One Saturday I was looking after the girls.  In a quiet moment I decided to check out Facebook.  Now, I have to confess that I’m not a big fan of Facebook.  I have a blog and that’s quite enough for me, thank you very much.  However, from time to time people send me messages on Facebook and I feel obliged to read them and perhaps (if I’m feeling generous) provide some manner of curt response.

So I checked it out and lo and behold several people had sent me various forms of tests.  It just so happens that I LOVE tests (just ask any of my high school teachers) (this entire sentence, by the way, is a test to see just how well you detect sarcasm).  There was a test on optical illusions, so I took it and scored ridiculously high, 19 out of 20.  It wasn’t a very hard test.  If you think I’m bragging read on, for humiliation awaits, I assure you.

Buoyed by this success, I ventured onto the next test.  Bear in mind that my girls were playing quietly in the adjacent room at this time.

It was an IQ test.

Oh what the heck, I thought.  How hard can an online IQ test be?  I clicked START.

Right away I was in trouble.  It turned out the test was TIMED.

Tick, tick, tick.  I answered the first few questions fine.  Questions about trains, and shapes, and parameters.  Questions involving oranges, penguins, and iambic pentameters.  Sudden one of my girls wanted something.  I got her a glass of water.  The other girl wanted something.  I got her a glass of milk. 

Tick, tick, tick.  Time was running out.

I answered another question.  Fielded a few more issues with my girls.  Broke up a fight over a purple ball.  Answered a few more questions, half concentrating on the questions, half concentrating on the drawings my girls wanted me to look at, feeling increasingly stupid.  Suddenly, inexplicably, my wife came home.  I answered another question.  Unfortunately it wasn’t a question from the online IQ test, it was a question from my wife concerning why the bathroom floor was all wet, and there was soap all over the fridge. 

Fourteen more seconds in the test.  I guessed at the last four responses.  Something about pie shaped objects, and mice.  Venn diagrams and reticular orifices. 

I failed the final test miserably, which was whether to proceed to the results.  (The correct answer would have been NO.)

Along with the results came publication to the rest of the online Facebook community.

Congratulations, the results read.  You are a MORON!  My IQ was a well-rounded 62, or the like.

Now I must tell you that I have had official IQ tests in the past.  Three, to be exact.  And I know the results of each of them. 

Let’s just say I scored rather higher on those than on the Facebook version.

Being a husband and father has clearly taken a rather gruesome toll on my…

…ooh!  Something shiny…!

They’ve got to be kidding…

… to blog!

This morning I have to change the batteries in the smoke detectors, clean all the dead branches out of the yard, fix the sound to the television, clean up the cat vomit, empty the dishwasher, put the dirty dishes in it, make lunch, make the bed, clean the van, get dressed, shower, shave, comb my hair, deal with problems at work, so…

No time to blog.

Sorry!

Maybe tomorrow.

I’m just experimenting posting pictures in a new way, not trying to comment on the state of my life! This was the first picture on my computer to present itself. Which was taken by a relative trying (and succeeding, in my view) to be funny, I believe, rather than commenting on their life.

I am reprinting the picture here completely without their permission. If they want me to take it down I will not hesitate to do so, if I am provided with sufficient chocolate to compensate for the effort required.

Speaking of which, lately I have come under fire for my love of chocolate. It has been suggested that this is somehow a “girlie” trait. As if big, burly he-men like me should stick to carrots, or asparagus, to satiate their sweet teeth.

Balderdash, I say.

Now chocolate covered carrots or asparagus, that would be something else altogether.

So, as you may have noticed, my daughters K and E have suddenly taken an interest in blogging. However, they prefer to appear in the guise of their various pets, of which there appear to be an increasing amount in this house.

Anything that will get them writing I’m only too happy to encourage, so you may be seeing more of such posts in the future. My blog is their blog.

At least it may generate some new posts.