The inimitable (I mean that in a nice way) Colleen Anderson has an amusing post on her blog about the time she met me at a World Horror convention.

Or did she?

Please watch this profound video from Karl Johanson about the proposed new SOPA Bill. Don’t know what that is? Don’t worry… the video will explain all:

Amen.

For thousands of years hardly anything changed.

Spears used by humans tens, even hundreds of thousands of years ago stayed the same for millennia. You could learn how to use it as a kid and the skills you learned would last a lifetime. Hundreds of lifetimes. Even in the last thousand or so years you could learn a trade from your father, or a particular skill, and trust that it would still be applicable years later to teach your own kid.

Not anymore.

Now everything changes. Constantly and quickly.

My parents grew up with no running water or electricity. Now that’s practically unthinkable, in this country at least.

I learned analog broadcast production skills in school. Now it’s all digital. I grew up with three channels to choose from on television. In black and white. Now there’s hundreds, all in colour. When I was a kid I had a real dog. Now I have a robot dog. No wait, sorry, that’s my future grandkid I’m thinking of. You think I’m joking? Just wait. (Imagine a dog smart enough to pick up his own poop… worth inventing! You’d make a mint.)

Much of this change is positive. Me, I’m all for hot showers and coffee at the flick of a button. But the sheer pace of all this change is starting to irritate me. Should it not be possible to purchase a computer with a particular operating system and trust that you won’t have to mess with it for ten or so years?

Apparently not.

I’m writing this on a MacBook I purchased in August 2006. It seems like yesterday to me. It’s running OS X 10.4.11. And all the new software I want won’t run on anything less than 10.5.x. So I have to go through the rigamarole of upgrading to Snow Leopard. This isn’t as easy as it sounds. Do you have any idea how hard it is to catch a Snow Leopard? (There’s a great episode on Snow Leopards on the series Earth… took them weeks if not months to find one.)

Anyway, I guess you have to take the good with the bad. Hot showers and instant coffee = constantly having to upgrade your computer.

Okay, I know that once every five years isn’t exactly “constantly”. But if they could make a spear (or at least, a type of spear) that didn’t need to be upgraded for one hundred thousand years, why not a computer? And here’s a good question: might the day not come when we’ve gone as far as we can with computers? When they’re as good as they can be, and there’s no point in upgrading them further? And they stay that way for one hundred thousand years? Just doing what you need them to do without having to fuss over them constantly. Imagine! Bliss? Or boring?

Doesn’t really matter. Cause one thing’s for sure.

It ain’t gonna happen in our lifetimes.

So that last post was a bit of an unusual one for Assorted Nonsense, but as Homer Simpson once said after drinking a bottle of mouthwash (I think it was mouthwash), What are ya gonna do.”

I’ve read it two or three times now and I must say when I saw Grondzilla’s comment, “How very odd,” I had to laugh, because (with all due respect to the author of the piece) it IS rather odd in the context of Assorted Nonsense.

I suppose a legitimate question would be, why did I allow it to be posted here?  And the short answer is because the fellow asked if he could post it here, and I could see nothing offensive about it.  And (almost) anything goes, here at Assorted Nonsense.  It is assorted nonsense, after all.

Which is not to say that I think Eric’s piece is nonsense.  It’s actually chalk full of good advice.  ”Shower your partner with compliments.”  ”Let your partner know you appreciate them.”  Nothing wrong with either of those.  ”Never allow bad feelings to harbour.”  Can’t argue with that.  ”Choose your battles.”  Common sense.

Our opinions begin to diverge in the subsections entitled “It’s a Small World” and “One Strike You’re Out.”  I would never warn my partner “Remember, the world is a very small place!”  Sorry Eric, but that just sounds a bit creepy to me.  Right up there with The Police song “Every Breath You Take,” which, if you think about it (and as Sting himself has pointed out) is actually a really creepy song.  The big problem with the advice you pose here is that you’ve forgotten about the concept of trust.  I would never remind my partner that the world is a small place, or tell her “Hey, Jane saw you at such and such a place” because A. I trust her and B. I’m not creepy.  Or try not to be.

Likewise with “One Strike You’re Out.”  Because you see, there must be opportunity for redemption and forgiveness.  Nuff said.

But how churlish of me to publish the fellow’s piece and then take it apart (except that I warned him I would do exactly that, and he was good natured enough to accept those terms).

The bottom line was that Eric’s stated goals were to get his name out there and practice his craft, and I agreed to help him do that.  And I don’t care that a by-product of this is helping promote his other web site.  Links to other web sites are the currency of the web, it has been said.

So thanks Eric, and good luck to you.

Okay, right away you’re probably thinking three things:

1. Has Joe’s site been hacked?  This is very unusual content for Assorted Nonsense.  and the answer is no, the site hasn’t been hacked, and yes, it is rather unusual content.

2. Why is Joe thinking about cheat proofing relationships?  Is there a problem with Joe’s marriage?  And the answer is no, there is not a problem with Joe’s relationship, and I will explain all in a moment.

3. Joe’s blogging again!  Yes, I would still like to blog every day, the trick is finding the time.

So what’s this all about?

Well, this fellow Eric J Leech emailed me a while back asking if he could write a guest post for Assorted Nonsense.  I gather he normally writes for a dating website called datingwebsites.org and he’s looking to practice his craft.  So I checked him out and he seems human.  As near as I can tell there are no hidden agendas here, other than the fact that he’s obviously promoting the aforementioned website, but I don’t think there’s anything sinister about it.

So I said what the heck, absolutely you can write for Assorted Nonsense.  It’s content after all.    And he submitted the following article.

The opinions he expresses are his own; I may express my own opinions on his thoughts in the comments section.

Take it away, Eric:

How to Cheat-Proof Your Dating Relationship-
By Eric J. Leech, writer for Datingwebsites.org

If you want to cheat-proof your relationship, whether it involves marriages, long-term relationships, or casual hookups from dating websites, hopefully you’re doing so as a precautionary step. If your loved one has proven to be untrustworthy, instead of cheat-proofing, you may want to try “loser” proofing your life, first. This translates into either getting rid of your cheating spouse completely, or overhauling your website’s profile, so that you no longer welcome these types of individuals into your life. However, considering there are more than a few good catches left in the dating sea, I’ll assume we’re dealing with one of them, and commence with the advice on how to cheat-proof, your lover’s loins from going south for the winter.

Curiosity Saved the Relationship
Your best defense is to shower your partner, with compliments, and curiosity. When a dating partner feels neglected, they will look for excitement outside of the relationship. This may include going to bars, hanging out with friends, or perusing dating websites during the wee hours of the morning. To feed this anxious energy, be curious about your partner. Find new ways to experience and learn about each other, through common interests and hobbies.

Appreciation
Let your partner know you appreciate them. Give praise when they deserve it, and say, “thank you,” whenever they do something special. Most importantly, do something nice for your partner at least once a day, whether it’s a love note, special dinner, or back massage.

Action Over Reaction
If you sense something is wrong with your dating partner, ask them about it. You should never allow bad feelings to harbor. Make it a practice to see how things are going. Ask them if there is anything about the relationship that isn’t working, or any of their needs that are not currently being met. Listen, and take all requests seriously. Take notes if it helps. The worst thing you can do is hide your head in the sand to the obvious signs of a problematic relationship. Action, beats reaction, in the majority of relationship difficulties.

Choose Your Battles
When you do decide to air out any differences, make sure you’re arguing over a real problem. Many disagreements are caused by external symptoms (coming home late, drinking with friends, etc.), rather than the true cause (lack of communication, intimacy, etc.).

It’s a Small World
Remind your partner that the world is a very small place. Keep in mind, the word “spying,” had no part in that sentence. You don’t want your partner to think that you do not trust them. Friends can be an especially valuable tool for this. The phrase, “My friend Jane saw you at the…” can do wonders to remind your lover that there are watchful eyes around all the time.

One Strike You’re Out
There is no three strikes your out rule, especially when it comes to dating, marriages, and cheating. Everyone gets one chance, and if they fail, they should be out on their ear without a Q-tip. People are either faithful or they are unfaithful. There is no gray area in this matter. Dating website’s members will be less likely to cheat, if they know they only get one chance.

Positive Reinforcement
To harvest positive energy, concentrate on the pluses of the relationship, rather than the negatives. Partners who are constantly complaining or nagging, create negative feelings, literally training their partner to avoid them (bad energy, breads worse energy). The easiest way to do this is to concentrate on rewarding your partner for what they are doing right (compliments, praise, etc.), and eventually the good will outnumber the bad. This is the most effective way to modify unwanted behavior, without creating a wedge between the two of you in the process.

Happy Thoughts, Happy in Love
If you are having a difficult time finding the good in your partner, remember what attracted you to them in the first place. If you are still drawing a blank, look into yourself, and ask if it is really your partner who is the problem. It may have more to do with you, then them. In other words, bored, unhappy people, experience boring and unhappy relationships. When you feel good about yourself, your partner will feel good about you, too!

My friend Barnabus has a new post up about Otzi the so-called “Iceman”… check it out.

Back in the middle of the summer I had the best of intentions. Blog a lot more. Heck, start a second blog with a fictional character and blog every day on that one too!

I even managed to keep it up a while. But working full time and raising a family takes a toll. A toll on blogging, anyway. So I fell a little short of my goal.

Enough complaining. What is happening in (as the inimitable Lisa Trimble used to call it) Joe Land?

Writing the conclusion of A Time and a Place. Sure, I’ll be writing the conclusion for another two or three years, but at least it’s the conclusion I’m writing. Imagine if it was only the beginning? Then I’ll string a few cat motifs and allusions through the thing and it’ll be done.

Thinking about a little project with a friend that we’re calling Pilot. Have to finish the novel first, then we’ll tackle Pilot: The Pilot. Think Robot Chicken. Robot Chicken only with less talent, money and time. It’ll be a lot of work to do it right. But to paraphrase John F Kennedy, we don’t do these things because they’re easy. We do them because we’re kind of stupid and like to get in over our heads.

The sugar diet. I know you’re all waiting with whis’pring humbleness and bated breath to find out how the sugar diet’s going. The weight loss has slowed down a bit but it’s still going well. This morning I was 176. So I’ve lost 9 pounds since August 23rd by drastically reducing the sugar intake. If I could give up marmalade and orange juice it’d probably go faster, but alas. 176 is a good weight to be. It’s how much I weighed in 1992. So, not bad. Still, I’ll see if I can’t bring it down to about 173.

Oh, and the pumpkin pie I rewarded myself during Thanksgiving Dinner was absolutely delicious…

Okay, I’ll blog both here and there. Wildebear will be devoted to science fiction and fantasy and everything to do with Wildebear’s (almost complete!) memoirs. Assorted Nonsense will be for everything else.

Yes, I am a fool, to attempt blogging in two places at once.

You’d almost think I have free time on my hands. Alas, it has nothing to do with that, and everything to do with this cursed passion for writing, which only seems to get worse as I age.

Et maintenant je passe le coq au l’aine.

Something I’ve wanted to mention for some time is a new blog I’ve discovered. Up until today I’ve only ever checked it out on my Blackberry. One day I was waiting at Union Station for the Go Train to carry me home to a lovely home-made chicken broccoli casserole. The train stubbornly refused to come. Bored, I whipped out the Blackberry and did a random search for something, anything, I don’t even remember what. It may have been “something interesting.” And what should pop up but this blog entitled “It’s Our Time on the Edge.”

A young woman (Catherine, let’s call her, what with that being her name and all) blogging about random elements of her life. To me it has come to represent this odd time in our species’ history when we’re able to observe one another’s lives from afar, without ever actually knowing one another, without ever necessarily making contact, just checking in from time to time to see what we’re up to. And not uninvited, because although at times it feels a tad voyeuristic (although there is nothing in the content of her blog to warrant such a feeling), Catherine has explicitly invited me into her life to this limited extent (just the same as I have done here), deliberately sharing with me the circumstances of her single life (a little bit lonely), her subsequent engagement to a gentleman she had previously broken up with (a frequent characteristic of subsequently successful marriages, I’ve observed over the years), and now her young married life, pre- children (which perhaps will be the next thing, although let’s see how many blog posts she gets in then!).

If I’ve made poor Catherine’s blog sound a bit boring, it’s not. I keep coming back, often while waiting for the train, sometimes while waiting to pick my wife up from work. Always on my Blackberry. She is my Blackberry blog. My only Blackberry blog, I might add. I keep coming back because I like her writing. Never juvenile, always clear, usually thoughtful. Judging from the comments, read by a close circle of family and friends, and who knows how many lurkers, like me.

I wonder if Catherine monitors her traffic. Will she notice and wonder about this link that has suddenly appeared in her stats directing perhaps a handful of more potential readers to It’s Our Time on the Edge? Might it prompt her to increase her (recently erratic) blogging rate? Or will she continue to blog mercifully oblivious to the benign yet inane ramblings of this fan from afar?

We will see…

Well folks, while I’m not abandoning this blog entirely, I am redirecting my efforts to assist my good friend Barnabus J. Wildebear over at his new blog. He’s not much of a technophile so he’s going to need a lot of help for a while.

Barnabus plans to write specifically about his passion for all aspects of science fiction and fantasy, and also about certain recent exploits of his that, although difficult to believe, he insists are every bit as real as (ahem) he is.

So I hope you’ll join me in migrating over to Chez Wildebear for awhile.

He promises to post every single day, or at the very least, every eighteen days.

Good luck Barnabus!

And perhaps I’ll see the rest of you back here in the not-too-distant future.

So long…

Last night I was hanging out with some science fiction buddies, one of whom was (and still is) the inimitable Mark Raynor, author of The Amadeus Net and Marvellous Hairy, as well as The Skwib, his irreverent, absurdist, satirical and highly amusing blog, when Mark dropped the following bomb:

“You’re about to become a Malingering Macaque, Mahoney.”

At first this sounded like  something to strive for with its undeniably attractive alliteration, until Mark put it in context.  Turns out he was talking about his blogroll, which is neatly arranged in order of how frequently the folks on his blogroll blog:

“Right now you’re a Bonobo in Space,” he said, which actually didn’t sound anywhere near as appealing as a Malingering Macaque, until he explained further:  “You see Bonobos in Space are people who blog every now and then.  But you’ve been blogging hardly at all.  I’m going to be forced to demote you from a Bonobo in Space to a Malingering Macaque.  The only thing worse than a Malingering Macaque is a Primate of the Past.  And you definitely do not want to go there, good sir.”

Immediately following this threat Mark’s brother Mike launched a nearly lethal volley at his elder brother,  accusing him of squandering his not inconsiderable literary skills on blogging as opposed to crafting yet more of his fabulously satirical novels.

Leaving me utterly confused.

Should I blog more and thus avoid the dubious fate of becoming a Malingering Macaque?  Or should I heed Mike’s advice to his brother and cast aside this folly once and for all in favour of potentially more lucrative literary endeavours?

I don’t know either.