One day in the not too distant future, when I have time, I might try my hand at a podcast. And when I do, it might turn out something like the script I’ve pasted below. I wrote this back around 2006 and actually produced a version of it a few years later with my buddy Matt Watts, but it never saw the light of day.
The mini-radio drama referenced near the end, Born of Man and Woman, was produced by my friend and colleague Barry Morgan for the third pilot we produced for Faster Than Light, but like that pilot, it was never aired, which is a shame, because Barry’s take on the story was actually quite good. Born of Man and Woman is a great little short story if you can get your hands on it, by Richard Matheson, author of What Dreams May Come and I am Legend. As for Barry Morgan, I really miss him. What a privilege it was to know a guy like that.
This script, you will see, is rather silly, but dammit there’s a place for silly in this world. Isn’t there?
ASSORTED NONSENSE
Episode #1
PART ONE
1. SFX: SHUFFLING PAPERS, CHAIRS SQUEAKING
2. JOE: (STAGE WHISPER) Play it. Play it!
3. MATT: (STAGE WHISPER) What?
4. JOE: (STAGE WHISPER) The theme!
5. MATT: (STAGE WHISPER) Oh. Which button…?
6. JOE: (STAGE WHISPER) Try the red one. (FREAKS OUT) NO! No, the green one.
7. SFX: CLICK!
8. THEME: ASSORTED NONSENSE THEME BG
9. MATT: Hi and welcome to Assorted Nonsense. I’m Matt Watts…
10. JOE: And I’m Joe Mahoney. Welcome to Assorted Nonsense.
11. SFX: QUACK QUACK
12. MATT: Every edition of Assorted Nonsense is special, of course, but today’s show is extra special because not only will you hear the usual assorted nonsense…
13. JOE: You’ll hear all sorts of extra goodies, just like on your favourite Star Wars DVD.
14. MATT: For instance, in today’s show we’ve included two scenes so poorly written and acted…
15. JOE: So unbelievably awful…
16. MATT: That normally they would have been deleted.
17. JOE: Without question.
18. MATT: Today we’ve kept them in. Just like our bloopers. During the making of every Athorted Nonsenthe… of every Athorted… oh for the love of –
19. SFX: BLEEP!
20. JOE: You need to work on that lisp.
21. MATT: I need some water. Can we do that again?
22. PRODUCER: (OVER TALKBACK) Pick it up at “During the making of.”
23. MATT: Okay. Ready?
24. JOE: Go for it.
25. MATT: During the making of every Assorted Nonsense, Joe and I make plenty of mistakes. Normally we edit them out. Not today.
26. JOE: Today we’re keeping them in. And if you listen closely…
27. MATT: Really, really closely…
28. JOE: You’ll hear a special commentary track in which Matt and I comment on the very show you’re listening to —
29. MATT: — while you’re listening to it.
30. JOE: How cool is that?
31. MATT: When the show’s finished, make sure you turn it over to hear a special behind-the-scenes making of featurette.
32. MATT: And as an extra special bonus, today’s show is available in the following languages:
33. JOE: English.
34. MATT: Assorted Nonsense. Radio that answers the burning question:
35. JOE AND MATT: (TREATED HARD RIGHT AND LEFT) What the heck?
36. THEME: UP AND OUT
PART TWO: CONSTRUCTION SITE
1. SFX: CONSTRUCTION, BULLDOZER IN DISTANCE
2. MATT: Hey Joe. What’goin’ on? What’s all this?
3. JOE: Oh hey Matt. I’m just building my own radio show, so I can be my own boss, do my own thing. You know, the kind of show I’ve been talking about for like forever.
4. MATT: I’m sorry, did you say that you’re… building a radio show?
5. JOE: Yeah, that’s right. Once I get all the pieces.
6. MATT: Pieces? Radio shows come in pieces?
7. JOE: Of course. You know… radio pieces. Themes, hosts, music, stories… you know, radio stuff.
8. MATT: Huh.
9. JOE: Only problem is this is one a them “do-it-yourself” radio shows. I gotta figure out how ta bolt it all together. For instance, getting this… sub-text in place…
6. SFX: DRILL
7. JOE: There.
7. SFX: BULLDOZER
8. MATT: Joe…
7. JOE: (EXCITED) Oh hey look, they’re bringing in the theme! Ooh, this is very exciting. Put it over there, boys!
8. SFX: THEME SETS DOWN WITH A THUD
9. MUSIC: AS IT HAPPENS THEME
16. JOE: Oh. Hmm, I dunno. I didn’t order a current affairs theme. (OFF) Guys! Guys! You’re gonna have to take that theme back. Can we get something a little less… Moe Koffman-y?
25. MUSIC: THEME DEPARTS WITH BULLDOZER
11. JOE: Hand me those nails? Thanks.
12. MATT: Joe you can’t just… build a radio show.
13. SFX: HAMMERING
14. JOE: I can’t?
15. MATT: No.
26. JOE: Here, hold this while I tweak the focus. Thanks.
27: SFX: FOCUS TWEAKING
17. MATT: Have you thought this thing through?
18: JOE: (STRAINING) And now for the dramatic structure…
19. MATT: Do you have any idea –
18. SFX: JACKHAMMER
19. MATT: (YELLING) Joe, Joe listen to me! Do you have any idea how –
20. SFX: JACKHAMMER STOPS
21. MATT: (STILL YELLING) big a radio…? (SIGHS, LOWERS VOICE) How big a radio show can be?
22. JOE: Whaddaya mean?
23. MATT: Where ya gonna put it?
24. JOE: It’s just little, only half an hour. Fits anywhere.
25. MATT: You have no idea what you’re getting yourself into, do you. Joe… radio shows… radio shows are like cats.
26. JOE: Cats?
27. MATT: You might even be allergic for all you know.
28. JOE: I –
29. MATT: Do you have any idea what a radio show can do to your furniture?
30. JOE: Uh —
31: MATT: You’re not thinking of having it declawed, are you? ‘Cause if you are, then —
32. JOE: (LIKE HE’S CRAZY) Matt, Matt. It’s not a cat. It’s a radio show.
33. MATT: (BEAT) Oh you are so wrong. Cuz ya see Joe, a radio show is exactly like a cat.
34. JOE: (LONG BEAT) Except for the fur, and the… head?
35. MATT: Joe, what’s the one thing that cats have more than any other creature on this planet?
36. JOE: Hairballs.
37. MATT: Attitude, Joe. There ain’t no other creature on this planet with more attitude than a cat. (BEAT) ‘Cept maybe a beaver but the point is that that’s what makes a cat tick. Attitude. For a radio show to really rock, it’s gotta have attitude.
38. JOE: Like a cat.
39. MATT: Or a beaver.
40. JOE: And you know this because…
41. MATT: I used to have one.
42. JOE: A cat?
43. MATT: (BEAT) A beaver.
44. JOE: Well I appreciate the advice Matt but I’m still gonna build my own radio show. *Now if you’ll excuse me I’m gonna have to trim this item cause it’s already gone on way too long…
44. MUSIC: *START OVERBLOWN MUSIC BG
45. SFX: SAWING
45. MUSIC: FEATURE, THEN FADE BG
46. MATT: (OVERLY DRAMATIC)
And so Joe built his radio show.
He built it with his own bare hands.
He built it though it made no sense to do so.
He built it out of spare parts left over from a misspent youth.
He built a radio show fluent in four different languages, not a one of them spoken on Earth.
He coated it with a super special polymer material, able to withstand hurricane forces and the probing hands of small children.
He made his radio show sveglia impermeable.
He put little air holes in it so that he could breathe.
He painted it bright orange with gigantic purple spots.
Joe built a radio show the envy of the entire… that… some people could tune into if they wanted to.
Joe built his radio show unaware that as he did so, elsewhere in the universe mysterious aliens plotted the fate of humanity:
PART THREE: STUDIO
1. SOUND: INTRO OF SHOW STARTS AGAIN
2. JOE: Hi, I’m Joe. I’m one of the people in the show that you’re listening to.
3. MATT: And I’m Matt, I act in the show, and I do the show’s laundry.
4. JOE: As we promised a little earlier on, we’re about to do a commentary track for today’s show. But just a commentary for the, uh, intro, the beginning of the show, because, uh…
5. MATT: Well the show hasn’t actually finished yet. So we can pretty much only comment on the beginning, maybe a bit of the middle, depending.
6. JOE: Yeah, so here it is, this is the beginning of today’s show, which you would have heard only a few minutes ago. I put it together late last week, if I recall, Thursday, I think, round suppertime, while eating a baloney, ah…
7. SOUND: SHOW PLAYS BG UNDER
8. MATT: So… was it you who wrote this?
9. JOE: Yep.
10. MATT: I mean… it was you, wasn’t it? That wrote the intro? ‘Cause I don’t…
11. SOUND: BIT OF THE INTRO
12. JOE: Uh huh. Yeah. I’d have to say that it was pretty much me, not sure what you were doing that day, playing Resident Evil or something, but… that’s the two of us reading it, though.
13. MATT: Yeah.
14. SOUND: A BIT OF THE INTRO
15. MATT: So were you a little pressed for time then, writing it, or…?
16. SOUND: A BIT OF THE INTRO
17. JOE: Whaddaya mean?
18. MATT: Well it’s not very good, is it?
19. JOE: You don’t think?
20. SOUND: BIT MORE OF SHOW
21. MATT: Have you heard it?
22. JOE: Uh… well yeah. Yeah, I mixed it, I put the whole thing together, so… yeah, I… you know I don’t even know where you were.
21. MATT: There’s no need to get defensive. I’m just saying that it could’ve been… better.
22. JOE: Oh yeah? Well how? How could it’ve been better?
23. MATT: Well. You know.
24. SOUND: BIT MORE OF THE SHOW
25. JOE: No. No I don’t know. Why don’t you tell me?
26. SOUND: BIT MORE OF THE SHOW
27. MATT: Well you know if I’d written it. I think if I’d written the intro it would’ve… you know… been better.
28. SOUND: PARTICULARLY LAME PART OF THE SHOW
29. MATT: A lot better. Wait… wait!
30. JOE: What?
31. MATT: Shh! This is my favourite part.
32. SOUND: EVEN MORE BANAL PART OF THE INTRO
33. JOE: I thought you said you didn’t like the intro.
34. MATT: What? Oh, well I thought that I liked that one part, but… huh.
35. JOE: What?
36. MATT: (DISMISSIVELY) Ah, it wasn’t as good as I thought it was.
37. SOUND: FEATURE INTRO
38. SOUND: TRANSITION
PART FOUR: SPECIAL FEATURE PRESENTATION
1. JOE: Time now for today’s Special Feature Presentation!
2. MUSIC: TWENTIETH CENTURY FOX THEME
3. MATT: It’s at this point in the show that you might want to find someone or something to hold onto.
4. JOE: Why do you say that?
5. MATT: Well it’s just that I think that what we’re about to play represents a bit of a departure in tone. You know, in the tone that I think you and I have worked so hard to establish in today’s show.
6. JOE: You mean the fact that what we’re about to play is not particularly funny.
7. MATT: I mean the fact that it’s actually kind of good.
8. JOE: Oh yeah, yeah there is that.
9. MATT: But you’re right, it’s not particularly funny either. It’s actually kind of scary.
10. JOE: So you think this is a problem, then, this change in tone?
11. MATT: Well no, it’s just I just wouldn’t want any of our listeners to, you know, blow a gasket or something. We’ve only got three.
12. JOE: Gaskets?
13. MATT: Listeners.
14. JOE: Ah, yes, yes this is true. It is a well-known fact that if listeners are forced to switch too quickly from one kind of programming to another, they explode.
15. MATT: Very messy.
16. JOE: Yeah. So, um, listeners, if you think there’s any chance at all that you might explode because of the rapid transition from sort of “funny” radio to sort of “serious” radio, you might wanna just… what. Turn the radio off?
17. MATT: Well no, no, let’s not get carried away. I think it would suffice if you just… you know, stood back from the radio a bit. Probably a good idea to keep the volume down. And then, as you get used to the change in programming, as you begin to feel more comfortable with it, then you can… try edging in a bit. But slowly! No sudden moves. And if you feel like you might explode anyway, try not to do it on the carpet.
18. JOE: Perfect. The last thing we need is one of our listeners exploding.
19. MATT: We’ve only got three.
20. JOE: And we have a responsibility to those three to keep them from exploding.
21. MATT: (WHISPER) It’s probably okay if one explodes.
22. JOE: Shh! Okay, so without further ado here’s our special feature presentation, a little something called Born of Man and Woman.
23. MATT: By Richard Matheson, produced by Barry Morgan. Okay, play it.
24. JOE: Okay, ah… how do I…
25.MATT: The green button. NO! NO! The red one.
26. SOUND: CLICK!
27. ITEM: DRAMA “BORN OF MAN AND WOMAN”
- IN: …Door slam RUNS: 8’00” aprox
- OUT: …Music
PART FIVE: THAT’S ALL SHE WROTE
1. JOE: Born of Man and Woman, by Richard Matheson, adapted and produced for radio by Barry Morgan.
2. MATT: Featuring Wayne Robson, Ray Landry, and Sarah Orenstein. A true story, based on Joe’s early childhood, if I’m not mistaken.
3. JOE: (BEAT) I don’t wanna talk about it.
4. MATT: And that’s all she wrote, that’s our show for today.
5. THEME: UP AND UNDER
6. JOE: For today’s show only the part of Matt Watts was played by Joe Mahoney.
7. MATT: With the part of Joe Mahoney being played by Matt Watts. To complain about Assorted Nonsense, e-mail Assorted Nonsense Audience Relations at:
We have a team of operators standing by to receive your complaints. Assorted Nonsense is written and produced by Joe Mahoney with Matt Watts. See ya.
8. JOE: Later.
9. THEME: FEATURE, THEN DOWN FOR:
10. THEME: UP AND OUT
END
I can hear it now with Roman Danylo as Matt and Richard Side as Joe.