I’ve rummaging through old folders on my laptop and unearthing all sorts of interesting artifacts, including these meeting minutes that someone who shall remain nameless wrote, possibly while inebriated (I’ve changed pertinent details and all the names)
If you’re a Production Hardware user and your livelihood depends on Production Hardware, you should (expletive deleted) well read this.Betty Rubble
The long awaited meeting commenced at about ten-fifteen after all the usual suspects were hauled kicking and screaming from their morning double decafs and chocolate croissants.
In attendance, looking splendiferous one and all, except perhaps a shade grumpy here and there: Fred Flintstone, Wilma Flintstone, Ned Slate, bespectacled Don Knotts (elegant in summery pastels and sneakers), Tim Conway, denim clad Betty Rubble, Marilyn Monroe, Carol Burnett, the ever ebullient Doris Day, and myself, Jim, taking a few little notes here and there.
Fred Flintstone, who chaired the meeting (charmingly, I might add) opened with the startling observation that there are certain problems with the production systems that must, I repeat must, be rectified.
First on the agenda was Production Hardware. I shall elaborate:
- Don Knotts spoke eloquently of the existence of four Production stations, plus Fred Flintstone’s. The latter is apparently “obsolete,” while three out of the other four have Version 6.
- In Studio C two of the systems can work with SCSI, but only one with Firewire, because some intrepid soul has busted the Firewire on the other one. How they busted it is a matter of some debate, but likely it involved poor vision, questionable motor skills, and a reckless disregard for exactly how to plug things in. This unit will be kept in service despite the busted Firewire because hey, the SCSI drive still works fine for the two and a half people still using SCSI
- To rectify the problem of people breaking or losing cables, we are confiscating all cables and will install them permanently on each system so you only need to carry your drive around with you. So there. This includes both power and Firewire cables and will be done pronto and, according to Tim will include studio B.
- As a result of this initiative, Tim will no longer be able to mock the amusing manner in which Don plugs things in
- Fred in his fatherly manner issued the following caution: ALWAYS take your drive out of the computer when you’re done, and NEVER fire the computer up with someone else’s drive plugged in. If you want to know why, never mind, just do it, dammit
- Producers were warned that they must initialize (erase) their drives on a regular basis (once every six months) or suffer the consequences; namely, their overloaded drives would begin to malfunction and/or call the producers names, in which case we recommend both erasing the drives and booking stress leave – don’t laugh, it happened once in Windsor.
- You should consider backing up your material regularly, to CD or DVD, in the event that you should lose your drive or break it
- You should not lose your drive or break it
Briefly, we discussed the issue of plug-ins. Currently, Jim and Ralph are researching the issue and will report back in a few years.
In the meantime, producers are not encouraged to use plug-ins because plug-ins are only for people who have had considerable book learnin’ on the subject
- Uniforms will not be required
- Unicorns will not be permitted to use Production Systems
- We attempted (being serious now) to decide upon a “neutral” state in which to leave systems at the end of each session
- Users MUST return systems to this neutral state
- Leave all cabling the way you found it
- Leave all patching the way you found it
The Hard Drives of each system are divided into four count’em four volumes, the folders of which you can clearly see on the screens if you squint hard enough.
Mac OSX HD is the brains of the computer. Do not touch this folder. Don’t load anything into this folder. Don’t even look at it for more than a second or two if you can help it. You never know what might leap out at you
- Jim and Tim are only too happy to help with whatever problems you have. Especially if they’re Production Hardware problems. Call them. Don’t forget to say “please”
- Fred Flintstone volunteered the information that Studio F has a D-Cart system as well as two production systems with Firewires and that with three people working in there it was ridiculous – if things get busier, this could become a problem
- Betty volunteered to “ponder” this information
- Arnold further volunteered the information that studio B “sucks”
- Betty volunteered to “ponder” this information too
- Fred expressed the opinion that these notes (the very ones you are currently perusing) should somehow be helpful
- Jim expressed considerable skepticism at this notion
- Some people have (gasp) zero training
- Betty suggested that in situ tutorials might help (I’m just guessing at the spelling of “in situ” – Betty and her fancy French!)
Th-th-th-that’s all, Folks!
You’ve come to the end. If you’re still reading, phone 5555 and utter the code word “Rosebud.” No, really.